Breathing With Friends

I've had a number of conversations with folks about the gratefulness of technologies like video chat to enable essential services (like mental health and medical appointments) to continue and the complete soul-suck that many experience with the same medium. As one friend put it "I am tired of trying to create meaningful connections through video chat but I also know that I need video to be able to connect at all with folks right now." 

Video chat as an essential form of connection isn't going away any time soon, so let's come up with an alternative approach for connectivity with less suckage and more nourishment. At the best of times, for me video chat has been an uncomfortable medium and this has been true long before living in quarantine. It has always had a valley of the uncanny feeling to it and only amplifies the feeling of being observed as opposed to being listened to. As I've been navigating this new world of only video chat based meetings, I noticed that I would get off some calls feeling exhausted and other times I felt a sense of connection and wellness.

What was the difference? Breathwork. 

But more on that in just a minute.

(If you’re looking for herbs to support your breathwork practice, come this way.)

There are a few reasons so many of us are feeling burned out about video chat. Even if we're connecting with folks we love, video chat is often a reminder that things are not normal right now. That's stressful in and of itself, but then there is the empathy wall that occurs through video chat. In-person conversations and connections are full of all sorts of shared experiences, including the experience of being in the same environment at the same time as well as energetic markers that don't translate well through video (now there is an upside for folks who tend to get emphatically overloaded in conversations - the empathy wall can actually provide a bit of reprieve). Then there's all the specific to video chat frustrations like technological blips (disconnects, laggy wifi), crappy lighting, interruptions that happen more frequently if we live with others, and having to stare at a screen as opposed to sitting with a person you want to connect with.

Yet, through all these frustrations, I've had consistent moments of connection with folks over video chat and it was because we were using a tool that translates really well to this format: breathwork. Breathwork can take many forms but it's essentially the practice of paying attention to your breath with intention. Breathwork is present in a number of modalities from sitting meditation, trancework and pathworking, spellwork, martial arts, yoga, and more. If you're wanting to connect with folks through video chat but finding it draining or difficult why not try breathwork with your friends and family instead?

Breathwork gets us back into our bodies and even when we're practicing mindful breathing at in-person events it is still an inherently private and deeply personal experience. In this way, breathwork is something that can easily be shared together online but still feel like you're having a meaningful individual experience in the presence of community. What's also nice about breathwork within a video chat conference during times like these is that we can experience a reprieve from talking about the crisis while still connecting to our own feelings and holding space for others to do the same all while together. I know that some folks, especially those with an established meditation or breathwork practice, may be full of disbelief at the suggestion that you can have a nurturing, community-based breathwork practice via video chat, but believe me it truly translates well. 

There are a lot of beautiful resources out there for breathwork whether by yourself or with friends. Two accessible books are The Power of Breathwork by Jennifer Patterson and How To Breathe by Ashley Neese. Both of these books teach a variety of simple breathwork exercises for everything from helping to go to sleep, finding inspiration, exploring grief, nourishing the body, and more. There are also a number of tutorials on youtube including one on square breathing (a technique that I teach and recommend to a lot of folks) and this video covers a variety of stress-relieving breathwork techniques. Breathwork can also be combined with visualization such as a grounding and centering tree of life meditation. You can access my version of the tree of life meditation for free on my Begin With the Breath course description page - just scroll down to the course curriculum section and click on "Tree of Life" for both a recording and transcript. There are also a number of wonderful folks hosting breathwork based online gatherings like Yarrow Magdalena and her Unravel course on tending to grief through breathwork, writing, and ritual (I was just on her podcast and she's a gem).

To help you try out breathwork with friends I've created a simple breathwork gathering format for your video chats. For both of them, it helps to have someone in charge of facilitation and time management (one of the ways to make video chats less stressful is knowing that they have an planned ending) and this is a role that can be rotated each time you gather if you like. There is nothing revolutionary about the following outline - it's a format that many of you will probably have come across before. I'm writing it out both for those of you who haven't facilitated a space like this before - either in-person or online - it can really help to have it all laid out and for folks who have facilitation experience but haven't done this work through video chat yet.

A Simple 30 Minute Breathwork Outline

Gathering and settling in - 5 minutes
Time for everyone to arrive and get comfortable. Depending on how many folks are gathered you can choose to leave everyone muted or unmuted for this part. Before you move on to the next part, invite folks to take a moment to pull up gallery view for a moment so that they are able to see everyone that they'll be sharing space together at once before returning to their preferred screen setup. I learned this at a recent class with Yarrow Magdalena and it was a magickal moment similar to what I experience at the start of a community ritual where we all take a moment to gaze upon everyone we've gathered together with at that moment.

Three word check-in - 5 minutes
Invite everyone to speak or write in chat (especially recommended for groups) three words describing how they are feeling at this moment. Check-ins are a good way for folks to begin to connect with their inner world while beginning to hold space and witness the inner worlds of others. If posted in chat, the facilitator can choose to read through all or some of these words depending on group size.

Breathing with friends - 10 minutes
Introduce the breathwork practice with simple instructions (reading them from a book is just fine!) and then settle into breathwork together. You have a few options when it comes to sound at this point. At in-person gatherings you're going to be hearing other people breathing and while you can unmute everyone on the call, that can sometimes prove more distracting than helpful. One solution is to breathe together while muted - the downside is that disconnects happen and that can be stressful for folks who are trying to close their eyes while breathing but also don't want to find that they're no longer in the call. You can choose to have just the facilitator unmuted for reassuring "I'm still on the call" sound cues. Another option is for the facilitator to play a song or two through their computer or play a simple drumbeat if they have a drum.

Reconnect and reflect - 5 minutes
The facilitator gently invites folks out of the focused breathwork and into a space of reflection. This can be a time for folks to journal briefly or they can speak or write three words on what they are currently feeling. Especially for smaller groups there is always an opportunity to expand this part - just make that decision ahead of time to create an easeful time container for everyone.

Closing and departing - 5 minutes
End by reading an inspiring quote, pulling an oracle card, or some such similar departing blessing. Remind folks to allow space for the experience of breathwork to continue to unfold throughout the day and night. Invite folks to jump into gallery view again to be able to see everyone that has gathered and held space together at once. And then you're done!

I would love to hear how you've made video chat easier to manage and connect with folks on a heart level in the comments below. If you do end up doing breathwork with friends or family, let me know, too! For my fellow herbalists and folks serving as healers in your communities, here are my thoughts on serving as practitioners during times of pandemic.

If you’re looking for herbs to support your breathwork practice, I’ve written about that, too.

Maybe these new skills or connections will becomes we carry with us beyond the time of social distancing, but whether that happens or not, my hope is that you and your loved ones can experience peace and connection with one another no matter what medium it is through.

❤︎ This post was made possible through patron support. Thanks, friends. ❤︎